When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
