So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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