Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
