I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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