I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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