The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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