I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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