end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
