I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
