I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
