i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You have to summon your inner elephant
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
