Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize