I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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