I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
