you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
