Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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