peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
