how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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