You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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