tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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