My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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