I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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