6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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