Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize