either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
