I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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