i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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