Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
