If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
