Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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