You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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