Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
