so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
