I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize