Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
