meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize