Life is so much better after having sex.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
