You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
