I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
