i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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