Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
