My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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