I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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