So drunk its hurt
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
