Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
