They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
