i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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