my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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