he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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