I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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