sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So squirting runs in the family.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
