So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
