My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
