My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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