Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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