WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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