nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
