remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
