I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
