So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
