Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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