You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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